mental health – Jomz Ojeda’s Blog

Surviving

Life ain’t pleasant.

Being on constant alert as the smallest move I make will most certainly be misinterpreted. Being viewed from a camera and being recorded and questioned later about the smallest action I made is not a pleasant experience.

Knowing that over a thousand photos of my face has been taken to analyze what I was doing, and what was happening around me based on the reflection on the glass pane behind me which is at an off angle because of the placement of the camera is both disturbing and disheartening. Shadows reflected on the glass, and how my eyes moved are basis for deduction.

Numb.

I try my best to numb myself from the experience I am going through. It’s hard to distract myself.

I learned that we can control what is going on around us with how we react to it. It’s difficult, to be frank.

Am I being gaslighted or is this genuinely a forgetfulness thing? I frankly can’t say, but it’s good to err on the side of caution, and protect myself.

Each of us have something going through, and it would seem that this is my hell to live through.

If you’re here reading this, thanks. I hope you have a nice day.

Later.

Dial Down The Depression

Dial down the depression,
It’s getting too obvious.
And as expected,
A cause is fabricated.

So dial down the depression,
It’s useless.
Nothing will happen,
It’s pointless.

Numb

It all take a bit of getting used to
And the pain will no longer hurt.
It takes a bit of effort,
Then it will blur and fade.

I can’t feel.
I mustn’t.
I must be tough
Like steel.

It’s how I can protect myself,
From all the insanity around me.
From all the things thrown at me,
So I can still be myself.

Is this supposed to be normal?
Do all of you live in fear?
Fear for my every move,
And the consequences near?

Endure, I must, I should not falter.
Outlive, outlast, it does not matter.
Surive, I will, hope for the better.
Or die trying, damn this letter.

Turmoil

In my mind, a tempest brews,
I cannot focus.
The whats, the ifs, the hows,
Clash against each other.

I cannot be calm.
For each step I take can bring harm.
Nothing is safe.
Nothing is sacred.

I am but a husk.
Living, but empty.
Going through the motions of the mundane.
Chaos is a tide I must ride.

There is no order,
There is no rhyme.
There is no reason,
Only danger.

Danger for my self,
Danger for my person,
Danger for my possession,
Danger for my future.

But I must endure.
I will not let this suffering win.
To die is to lose.
To live is to go on in spite.

I must stay still,
For the mind is swirling,
In chaos, never ending
I will…

Not Safe

I have found that the only safe place for me is my own head.

I cannot speak, it can be heard.
I cannot write, it can be read.

It can be frustrating, it can be annoying, but it’s better safe than sorry.

Trying to Be Sane

I have eyes on me,
Watching my every move.
I cannot close them,
For if I do, hell breaks lose.

Worse than walking on eggshells,
Always feeling anxious.
Exhausting,
Tiring.

I want this all to end.

Big brother is watching.
Big brother is watching.
Big brother is watching.
When will it end?

The Ghost Writer

Photo by Ryan Miguel Capili on Pexels.com

I have no body of my own,
I exist in another zone,
I speak up in the microphone,
The voice you hear, another tone.

I shake the shackles of my chain,
I cannot even moan my pain,
They shrug at me with pure disdain,
My existence has been in vain.

And yet, yourself, my words you use,
Constrain me with your own abuse,
Squeeze my essence for your juice.
For the things you must produce.

Escape

Anxious

Worried about screwing up,
Fearing for my life,
Searching for it to stop,
But all I have is strife.
Isolated and alone,
Safety is unknown.
Mind is racing
It’s exhausting.
Stop.

Hang In There

Life is tough, and it can be sometimes hard to go on… but yeah, we just need to hang in there. It will get better.

There’s something about the holidays that can be stressful. It could be the hustle and bustle and the rush of getting things done in time, it could even be as simple as dealing with family members in gatherings. The addition of the pandemic this year is no help, too.

However, it will pass. It may be hard, but you’ll survive.

Don’t let dark, intruding thoughts in. Be busy, do things. When your body is moving, your mind is not thinking. That may be good for you. Give it a try.

If not, write it down. Write whatever dark emotion you have inside and let it out. You may not have the privilege of having someone to confide in. If you do, consider yourself lucky. Don’t keep it all inside. It will just make things worse.

I wrote these down as a reminder and advice to myself. I thought that it might help you, or a friend.

Thanks for reading!

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I hope you have a nice day