Tag: anxiety

It’s Hard Fighting Other People’s Delusions

I find dealing with a person’s perception of truth difficult to deal with.

Another person’s idea of truth is limited to their own perception, and this perception is influenced by personal bias.

It is also very frustrating to deal with them, most specially when things that are out of my control are involved. Technology fails, like internet connection or program crashing – my fault. Events not going as you have planned – my fault.

It pisses me even more when an unintentional event is being portrayed as something that I have intentionally done. No, I did not drop the call, the signal dropped and so the phone call was cut. No, that video call ending was not because I ended the call, it just stopped. Internet connection maybe?

Therefore, the burden of proof is always on me. I should always be prepared to show proof that I poor mobile connection or poor internet connection.

It is very exhausting.

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Surviving

Life ain’t pleasant.

Read more: Surviving

Being on constant alert as the smallest move I make will most certainly be misinterpreted. Being viewed from a camera and being recorded and questioned later about the smallest action I made is not a pleasant experience.

Knowing that over a thousand photos of my face has been taken to analyze what I was doing, and what was happening around me based on the reflection on the glass pane behind me which is at an off angle because of the placement of the camera is both disturbing and disheartening. Shadows reflected on the glass, and how my eyes moved are basis for deduction.

Numb.

I try my best to numb myself from the experience I am going through. It’s hard to distract myself.

I learned that we can control what is going on around us with how we react to it. It’s difficult, to be frank.

Am I being gaslighted or is this genuinely a forgetfulness thing? I frankly can’t say, but it’s good to err on the side of caution, and protect myself.

Each of us have something going through, and it would seem that this is my hell to live through.

If you’re here reading this, thanks. I hope you have a nice day.

Later.

Numb

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It all take a bit of getting used to
And the pain will no longer hurt.
It takes a bit of effort,
Then it will blur and fade.

I can’t feel.
I mustn’t.
I must be tough
Like steel.

It’s how I can protect myself,
From all the insanity around me.
From all the things thrown at me,
So I can still be myself.

Is this supposed to be normal?
Do all of you live in fear?
Fear for my every move,
And the consequences near?

Endure, I must, I should not falter.
Outlive, outlast, it does not matter.
Surive, I will, hope for the better.
Or die trying, damn this letter.

Turmoil

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In my mind, a tempest brews,
I cannot focus.
The whats, the ifs, the hows,
Clash against each other.

I cannot be calm.
For each step I take can bring harm.
Nothing is safe.
Nothing is sacred.

I am but a husk.
Living, but empty.
Going through the motions of the mundane.
Chaos is a tide I must ride.

There is no order,
There is no rhyme.
There is no reason,
Only danger.

Danger for my self,
Danger for my person,
Danger for my possession,
Danger for my future.

But I must endure.
I will not let this suffering win.
To die is to lose.
To live is to go on in spite.

I must stay still,
For the mind is swirling,
In chaos, never ending
I will…

It Was All a Dream, Right?

photo of empty dimly lit hallway
Photo by Deepain Jindal on Pexels.com

Richard’s eyes snapped open, he found himself on his bed sweating and breathing hard.

“It was all a dream?”

He looked at his hands and saw words written on them…

“It was not a dream.”

Richard screamed and leapt backwards away from his hand. Continue reading “It Was All a Dream, Right?”