It’s All Gone

Photo by Pixabay on

My back-up external hard disk, which due to budget issues, became my primary storage for files, got corrupted last week.

My files are gone.

I am distraught, and I feel like throwing up.

It even led me to an existential crisis, making me think of dark, dark thoughts, on life and death, and what is the purpose of living, if we will just die and be forgotten.

This is the second external drive that died on me. The first one I used as a glorified flash drive. That died, and I lost data. It felt really, really bad. This second one, I swore would only be for back-up purposes, so no important files will be lost, became a primary storage device, because I started working on video, and my files grew larger and I needed space. I told my wife that I needed a new hard disk for storage, but she could not allocate any funds for me. I don’t have a PC. I am forced to work on my videos on my iphone, and transfer them once done to the hard disk via my work PC.

So what lead to the existential crisis?

500 Gigabytes of data ain’t that large. The current standard for storage is in terms of Terrabytes. What I have in 500 Gigs, were installers for games I did not play (I set them aside for when I might have my own PC – but my wife did not see that as a priority purchase), movies I have watched but set aside for when I may re-watch them, old documents which I hope I still have in my old PC, and photos… yeah, these are gone. Unless I can recover them using a data recovery, they are gone. Also the archive of videos for the vlog. Sure, they’re uploaded in youtube in lower quality, but the high resolution should have been kept in storage.

I am in despair of the lost photos and videos. Memories which my brain will probably forget when it turns to mush, but these should endure forever, longer than when I existed right?


One blip in the electromagnetic surface of the storage device killed it instantly. Uploaded in social media? It will be gone when the owners pulls the plug on it, and good luck of that surviving some nuclear holocaust.

Nothing lasts forever, even us. We live, we die, we disappear. You know what’s even more depressing? It’s like I have anyone to pass on my memories to. I am childless. My wife refused to have one. She talks of adopting, but I am skeptical that those were just words. So my existence is only limited to those who know me now. I see no future, and I see no point.

I told you it was depressing, and my thoughts went to a dark place.

Living for the moment.

If memories and memorabilia are useless, now what? Hanging on to material possessions and manifestations of events are also useless. What now?

I really don’t know.

I don’t have a social media for my personal life. My wife’s the one with the facebook. The photos I take are mostly for my personal pleasure. At least I have some in Google Photos, but with Google soon implementing a storage limit on storage, too, backing up countless photos I snapped will also be limited now.

So we live for the moment. We will die, anyway, so why not enjoy living? Unfortunately, we cannot enjoy life because we are too busy slaving away to earn money so we can survive. Surviving and living is vastly different.

I’m really pissed off about our purchasing priorities.

Our car is nearly paid off, but my wife is dreaming of buying another one. Our house is at least 10 years to being paid off, but my wife wants to buy an even bigger one. I don’t see the point in all of this.

I see no point in all of this, when the things that I want are not even in the priority list.

I want a PC – our small house has no space for that, so we should buy a laptop. Small, fragile and hard to repair. Also expensive. I can’t afford one.

My income, plus the fact that I have no children, should be more than enough for a family of two and a few pets to live on. However, my standard of living, and my wife’s standards are far and wide between. I don’t have money on me, so I feel really, really poor.

So I think to myself – what is the point? Life is miserable as it is.

Nothing lasts forever. We’re all going to die. Why bother?

I’m very exhausted.


Author: jomz

Web Designer and Developer, Graphic Artist. Writer.